I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
