The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
