remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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