I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
