Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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