He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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