soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I want a musical about memes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
