I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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