His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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