Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
