I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
