therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
