I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
