our cab driver is having phone sex.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I would ride that face into the sunset
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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