Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
