Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
