I could have mohawked her pubes.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
