paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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