can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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