When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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