dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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