You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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