i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
