Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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