She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
