Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
