first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I love you. Go after that dick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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