just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bring me that man meat
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize