im having a threesome with these popsicles
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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