We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
