my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
