There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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