my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
