hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
