I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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