Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
