I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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