you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
