Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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