dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
