Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Someone shattered a urinal.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
