and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
