i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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