Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
