Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
