after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
