T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
