I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
