If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
