everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
