2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
