Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
