last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
