The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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