I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
