i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
