I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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