Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
