I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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