I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
